Give them Time
by Myth Queen
Summary: When Elizabeth is kidnapped by wraith under Hathor's command, John goes after her with the help of a unique individual... extreme crackfic, commercials included. Collaboration with Captain Ryder and Korat
1. Chapter 1

Captain Ryder's fanfiction page: u/2098971/

Korat's site: .uk/~korat/

Elizabeth stared in horror and shock as the long-haired Wraith dropped from the ceiling. A wraith. In Atlantis! She screamed in terror as the Wraith walked menacingly towards her. Hunger played in its eyes as is lifted it's hand over it's shoulder, and threw it into her chest. A few shots rand from behind. The Wraith snarled in pain as it dropped.

Up popped a small green head. "Got him!" a squeaky voice shouted. Elizabeth stared, rather shocked at the diminutive man standing in front of her.

"What the heck is that?" She murmured.

"I am TIME!" the little green man shouted. The Wraith stared at him and kicked him out of the way. It stood up and brushed it's clothes off, straightened it jacket, and pushed a few stray strands of silky white hair back in place.

"John!" Elizabeth shouted, starting to run away. The Wraith was soon behind her. It grabbed onto her.

"Elizabeth!"

"Do not come closer or she will die of old age very soon." The Wraith hissed. "And the Queen of Atlantis must be brought to my hot babe Wraith queen alive."

John Sheppard stopped in his tracks. "Hot babe Wraith queen?" he asked, puzzled. His hesitation allowed the wraith the 'beam' itself and Elizabeth into a waiting dart.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed John over-dramatically as he fell to his knees and shed large bitter tears of regret.

Up in a compressed de-moleculerised stat, Elizabeth was also crying, for she was certain she would never see her beloved John 'Carter' Sheppard. The dark assurance that she would be devoured by some slutty, ugly wraith queen hung over her like a dark assurance. Dum! Dum! Dum! Da!


	2. Chapter 2

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	3. Chapter 3

Sitting up slowly, Time shook his head.

"These Wraith have no respect for me anymore." he grumbled. "That's what comes from living so long."

Stuffing his hand into his bag, he removed a pile of random junk. Included was a yellow rubber ducky, a plasma TV screen, something green that was oozing and smelly, and a diamond ring. Sifting through it, he pulled out a Universal Remote.

"This will teach them," he solemnly intoned as he dramatically pressed the Rewind button.

"John!"

"Do not come..."

Suddenly, Time dropped onto the Wraith's head.

"You are _so_ stupid!" Time said. The Wraith wiped little flecks of spit off it's face.

"Ew!" it said, very preppy-girly-sissy like.

"I am TIME!" Time shouted. "You cannot get rid of me!" He laughed. "By the way, who's your hot babe wraith queen?"

"Whatever!" the wraith said, and 'beamed' away. John screamed in agony of the loss.

"I can help you get your Elizabeth back." Time said.

"_My_ Elizabeth?" John jumped to his feet. "Who says she's _my_ Elizabeth? Elizabeth is a great leader!"

Time shook his head. "This'll take some work. Look dude," he said, suddenly going Punk gang with a goofy yellow hat. "You're in love with your leader babe Elizabeth. Bannana Bum Bum, dude. Don't worry. I'll get your babe back, man, don't worry."

Elizabeth materialized inside a horrible, stringy hive ship.

"My cookie,"she moaned unexplainably. The Wraith looked at her strangely. The pilot opened his mouth. Paint, string, and wallpaper peeled. Elizabeth gasped, covering her mouth and nose with both of her hands.

"What?" the pilot asked.

"Your breath!" Elizabeth wheezed. "What did you eat to have such horrible breath?"

"I only had steamed vegtables."

"You ate vegtables!" another wraith screamed. "Death to the traitor! Drown him in mouth wash!" the others promptly jumped him and carried him away, leaving Elizabeth alone. She turned around to face who she reasoned was the 'hot babe wraith queen'.

HATHOR!


	4. Chapter 4

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	5. Chapter 5

"I'm confused. Aren't you dead?" Elizabeth quired. Figiting, she scratched her head. "And didn't you live in a different galaxy?"

Suddenly, Hathor used her hand device to throw Elizabeth violently across the room. "Never doubt the power of your one true god Hathor."

Just then, a wraith wondered by, gently murmuring "Hallowed be Lord Kavanah!"

"Ah, our love." Hathor whispered. She grabbed the wraith and kissed him. Elizabeth threw up.

"Whoa!" The wraith protested. "Hot babe wraith queen Hathor the goddess, I thought you were in love with that other guy!"

"Only when he's here, our love!"

"Nasty." Elizabeth muttered.

"Okay..." the wraith made a break for the nearest door, running as if his life depended on getting away from Hathor. He was almost there when...

"You will pay for your insolence!" Hathor screamed, raising her glowing palm. A flash of brilliant light exploded from her hand device. The wraith was lifted from his feet and thrown across the room.

Shakily, Elizabeth stood up and let her eyes wonder. This ship appeared to melt Goa'uld and wraith architecture in a creative and unique style. In the corner, what appeared to be a sarcophagus sat, covered in a web-like material.

Still shaking, Elizabeth turned right into a pony-tailed whiner of a man; Kavanah! "What are you doing here?!" she shrieked. Kavanah's eyes widened as he recognized the Atlantis leader.

"I have found someone who is willing to see me as I truly am!" He boomed. "You Earthlings have always been beneath me, and now you shall see the consequences of not admitting it!" With that, he sauntered out of the room with his hips swaying all over in a wonderful impression of Elvis. Hathor watched him go with an adoring look on her face.

"Now," Hathor said, turning back to Elizabeth, "Queen of Atlantis. You will help us to take over the universe. With Atlantis's database we..."

"Why would I help you?" Elizabeth spat.

Hathor switched to a un-goa'uld voice to laugh daintily, and switched back. "Because we can help you get your man!"

"Simon?"

"No!" Hathor groaned in disgust. "Although Simon is one gorgeous hunk! I was talking about John..."

"Hot babe wraith queen, Hathor the Goddess..." A wraith ran breathlessly in.

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGH HHHHHHH!" Hathor screamed, throwing him across the room. "I'm in... We mean, we're in the middle of something!"

"Whoa, girl!" Elizabeth shook her head. "You are stuck in the last century - the last melenium!"

"What?" Hathor screeched.

"Nowadays, people don't throw other people across the room with a hand device! Such a brutal show of violence only says that you're weak-minded."

Hathor had a very dumb expression on her face. "Then how do we punish him?"

"For starters, there is only _one_ of you, so it's 'How do _I_ punish him'." Elizabeth turned to the distant wraith. "Get over here." She called. The wraith obeyed.

"Now, _this_ is how you punish him." Elizabeth threw back her hand, fingers spread wide. With a look of blazing anger, she slapped the wraith across the face. The Wraith's head was thrown back, a stinging red mark on its cheek. Hathor looked amazed.

"You must teach us how to do that!" She declared.

"What, you don't know how to slap?" Elizabeth asked in amazement.

"We have had no prior need." With this, Hathor threw her hand, claw-like, into the Wraith's face. Her long manicured nails tore into its flesh. Hathor turned to Elizabeth, expecting praise, but got a huge scowl.

"What?" Hathor asked.

"You don't slap with your claws!" Elizabeth scolded. "You have to have your hand straight, palm forward for optimum sting." As she said this, she flexed her hand, showing Hathor how it's done. Hathor straightened her hand, and slapped the Wraith. A large smacking noise was followed by the wraith falling backwards.

"That was awesome!" Elizabeth cheered. "You even swung your wrist for optimum potential." She gave Hathor a high five.

Hathor then realized that they had strayed off topic.

"Back to our planned universal domination." Turning to face Elizabeth, Hathor continued. "First we must find something that no one cane resist." she began pacing back and forth. "Elizabeth," she growled, "what is humans favorite food?"

Elizabeth started to say something, but then apparently remembered who she was talking to. "I will never reveal anything to such evil enemies."

Swiveling around, Hathor stared at Elizabeth. "You shall pay for your insolence." Jumping up and down, she yelled. "JAFFA! KREE!"

A wraith politely tapped her on the shoulder. "Umm... Hot Babe Wraith Queen, Hathor the Goddess... we are called Wraith, not Jaffa." He instantly received a resounding slap and slunk quietly out of the door.

Now throughoughly angered, Hathor dramatically proclaimed; "Elizabeth Weir, Queen of Atlantis, we sentence you to unlimited torture until you reveal the humans favorite food!"

Two extremely muscular Wraith stepped forward and grabbed both Elizabeth's shoulders, dragging her away.


	6. Chapter 6

Meanwhile, some light years away, John and Time were prepping.

"Remember," Time squeaked, "This is dangerous business." the checked the cartridge in his nine mil. "You remember what to do?"

John nodded grimly. "We have to rescue Elizabeth." he whispered. "At any cost."

"Yes, yes." Time rolled his eyes. "We're gonna get your Elizabeth back."

"Who says she's _my_ Elizabeth?

Time rolled his eyes again and hit the pause button. John was frozen in time as Time had a temper tantrum.

"This is turning into a Jack/Sam type thing!" he gasped. He hit the un-pause.

"You idiot!" he screamed at the confused John. "Do you want a Jack/Sam relationship where you're totally in love but won't admit it even to yourselves unless both your lives depend on it!? You and Elizabeth don't even have rules stopping you!

"Wait!" John interrupted. "General O'Niell and Colonel Carter? I have to report this!" Before his hand could reach his radio, he was on his back, and the little green figure was pounding him mercilessly.

"No, you idiot!" He accented each word with a punch. "They have enough trouble! They have _no_ sense of destiny! They don't need a court martial! Besides, the fans would kill you."

John then realized what was happening. "You are getting off topic." Then both of them returned to their plotting


	7. Chapter 7

Back in the Wraith hive ship, Elizabeth was being mercilessly tortured.

"I shall never reveal that I love Sloppy Joes!" The wraith stared at her in shock. "Oops." she mumbled.

"Hot Babe Wraith Queen, Hathor the Goddess," a Wraith announced into a communication device. "We have discovered the humans favorite food."

"What is it?" Hathor's metallic voice shrieked.

"She says that it is something called a 'Sloppy Joe'."

"Now, what is that?"


	8. Chapter 8

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	9. Chapter 9

Elizabeth lay curled up in her dark cell, sobbing. _I have betrayed them all!_ she thought.


	10. Chapter 10

John and Time stood outside the door of the hive ship, staring up at it grimly.

"Why didn't we bring other people?" John asked.

Time looked at him. "Anti-climatic." he explained.

"John Sheppard." A mystical, musical voice sounded. "Time." Suddenly, a mist-like apparition appeared.

"Who is that?" John cried, pointing his P-90 at the misty form.

"Space, my wife." Time said proudly. "I still don't know how I scored such a babe!" he muttered in an undertone.

"Time, you flatterer." Space laughed. "But you're better be home in time for dinner." Her voice became more mystical as she turned back to John. "I can aid you just this once." she started to fade.

Then, John and Time found themselves inside the hive ship. "I was wondering how we'd get in." Time mused.

John was already off. Time paused time to catch up. And they were off to save Elizabeth Weir, Queen of Atlantis!

(Dramatic music)


	11. Chapter 11

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	12. Chapter 12

Hathor sauntered into the Peltack/control room. Kavanah was working on a metal doohickey of some sort.

"His time with the humans has effected him." Hathor murmured quietly. "But he still is the ultimate power in every universe. No one but him could unite and rule the Ori, Goa'uld, and Wraith." She sunk to her knees and loudly proclaimed; "Hallowed in Lord Kavanah!"

"Ah, my queen Hathor. Rise." Kavanah visually enjoyed his power over all things.

"My Lord. I have discovered the humans weakness. A food called a Sloppy Joe."

Kavanah hid his confusion well. "Well done, my queen. Of course, I already knew this. You have proved yourself. Now, order the Wraith to make lots of this foods. Test them to make sure they are good."

"Yes, my Lord." Hathor said, bowing and walking out.

"Elizabeth Weir." muttered Kavanah. "You once humiliated me. Now, you will have the guilt of knowing you caused the destruction of all humans. And your precious John can not save you this time!" (Insert evil laugh here)


	13. Chapter 13

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	14. Chapter 14

Time and John were sneaking through the wraith/goa'uld hallways.

"You're _Time_, right?" John whispered. "Can't you just transport to were Elizabeth is?"

"No." Time replied. "I can't just poof from one spot to another. Only Space can do that. Because it is space that you're thinking we should travel through, not time. Besides, it would ruin the suspense."

Suddenly a group of Wraith turned the corner. They were all talking about how Lord Kavanah recently banned dreadlocks from the hive. When they saw John and Time, they immediately reached for their weapons. Unfortunately for them, Crazy Joe Wraith had just pulled a prank and switched their stunner's with water guns. So instead of shooting blue energy blasts to disable their enemies, they just soaked them.

"_RUN_!" squeaked Time. A Great Boom shook the hallways. Small pieces of wraith guts flew by, splattering John with gore.

"What the heck was that?" John exclaimed.

"That, my friend, was a time bomb." Time said with a giggle. "It instantly cumbusts any living thing with aggression or harmful feelings within a two meter radius of me.

"Wow. That's really creepy." They faded out of view as they continued to sneak around toward Elizabeth's cell.


	15. Chapter 15

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	16. Chapter 16

At the same time John was working to save his brave and beloved leader, Elizabeth decided that she'd stop being to whiny. She dealt with System Lords, Genii, politics, Samantha Carter on a rescue mission, Rodney Mckay on a daily basis, and, worse of all, diplomat dinners. She could get out of this!

She stood and walked to the door. "Mr. Wraith?"

The Wraith glared at her suspiciously. "What do you want, Queen of Atlantis?"

"How did Hathor get you to serve her?"

The Wraith shifted uncomfortably. "Lord Kavanah commanded it."

Elizabeth stared in shock. "Kavanah? Why do you listen to him?"

"Fine. I obey Hathor because..." the wraith leaned in and lowered his voice, "she said... She said she'd kiss me if I didn't!"

"I pity you." Elizabeth shuddered. "So, why do you follow Kavanah?"

"He is the leader. He connected all galaxies. He is the ruler." The Wraith said proudly.

"Uh huh." Elizabeth wasn't impressed. "When did he have time to do this?'

"Oh, he wasn't always Dr. Kavanah. To the Ancient Egyptians he was known as Kavnaugh. I'm not going to say his other names. There are too many. But he has existed forever. Many thousands of years ago, he ruled the Ori only. Then he conquered the Goa'uld. Then he learned of us, the Wraith. We know that no man can control these three distinct groups. He is the one true, and supreme..."

"Oh, I hate the 'one true god' crap that these people pull." Elizabeth muttered. "Look," she said, "If he is so true and supreme, then why does he wear glasses?"

The wraith couldn't find an answer to that question. So he changed the subject. "I know an interesting fact about Lord Kavanah, as I am his first officer." The wraith then shouted. "Hallowed in Lord Kavanah!"

"Well, what's the fact?" Elizabeth was growing impatient.

"Oh, yeah. He was going to make you his Queen, but then you insulted him."

In shock, Elizabeth fell to the floor throwing up. "Ewwwww. That is SOOOOO! gross! I should have had John kill him when I had a chance."

"You insulted Lord K!" the wraith screamed, and plunged it's hand into her chest, slowly starting to drain her life. At least, that's was it's plan was...

SLAP! "How dare you!" shouted Elizabeth, "I'm the 'Queen of Atlantis'! You will not eat me!... Hathor would kiss you." she added quietly.

The Wraith leapt back in horror. "Anything but that, my lady, anything but that!" He moaned, hunched over in a kind of bow.

"I demand that you take me to Hathor." Replied Elizabeth haughtily. Still whimpering, the wraith complied.


	17. Chapter 17

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	18. Chapter 18

Standing in front of Hathor, Elizabeth, still feeling confident from her earlier victory over the wraith, began to state her demands.

"I demand that you return me to Atlantis this instant!"

Shocked, Hathor and Kavanah stared at her. "What else?" the asked in perfect unison.

"I demand that you stop talking as if you were two people. And I demand that you cut your hair."

Kavanah was about to order the wraith to let her go, because he was scared, when Hathor stepped forward. "Why on earth would we do that?"

"You're not on earth." Elizabeth replied.

"Fine." Hathor rolled her eyes. "Why would our great Lord Kavanah give in to your petty demands?"

"Because I said so."

"Not good enough." replied Kav. "Send her back to her cell, and this time don't let her escape."


	19. Chapter 19

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	20. Chapter 20

John slowly peeked around the corner. "There she is." He said, breathing a sigh of relief. He turned around. Time was not there.

"Time?" he whispered, looking around.

"Sorry!"

John jumped. Time was now standing a few feet behind him. "Where were you?" John asked, relieved he hadn't lost his little green companion.

"Around." Time said evasively.


	21. Chapter 21

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	22. Chapter 22

FLASHBACK;

Time peeked around the corner.

"There she is." whispered John Sheppard. Suddenly, he froze. Time poked him.

_Odd._ He thought._ I didn't hit the pause button._

"Yo, Time!"

Time looked around and saw... himself! "What?" he asked.

"Check the time."

Time looked at his watch. "Yikes!" he squeaked. He only had another second to get home. "Thanks!" he called as he raced off to his and Space's home, which they had named Continuum.

"Don't worry about it." Time called back to him. "Oh, and it's delicious!" He hit the unpause button, but found himself in the wrong spot.

"Time?"

"Sorry!" squeaked Time.

"Where were you?"

"Around." He shifted slightly. "Now, to save your brave and courageous leader!"

A woman in a blue and brown dress strutted down the hall, smiling at the air. "Pier one." she said.

Time frowned. "You're a commercial." he pointed the remote at the woman and sent her to the right time

"What was that?" John asked. He shook his head, since it didn't matter. He crept out into the hall and crouched outside Elizabeth's cell. He heard her whispering something.

"If only I could see him again. I miss John..."

"Elizabeth!" he called softly. Elizabeth raised her head. Her heart started pounding wildly, and her eyes widened.

"Carter!" She jumped up. "I miss John Carter. I knew him in grade two!"

"Dr. Weir," John said, "I am gonna get you back to Atlantis."

"No!" Elizabeth nearly shouted. "We have to stop Hathor and Kavanah!"

"Elizabeth, it's too dangerous! You are too important to lose. Too important to Atlantis. Too important..." John looked deep into her eyes and held her hands tightly in his own. "Too important to me."

Elizabeth gasped, but didn't withdraw her hands. "Really?" she asked breathlessly. John nodded. "But I can't let you go alone, either. You are too important to me, John."

John smiled, and gave her a nine mil. "If we go down,"

"we go down together." Elizabeth finished for him.

Suddenly, they remembered Time. They turned to look at him.

"Go on." he said. "You two can take 'em!"

They rushed off, holding hands and guns at the ready. Any wraith in their way got shot, punched or slapped. Soon, nothing stood in their way of galactic saving.

Hathor trembled, a sloppy joe halfway in her mouth as Elizabeth pointed the gun at her head. "I win." Elizabeth said. "But then, you always were destined to lose."

A single shot, and Hathor was no longer an obstacle. Wraith poured in from all sides almost instantly. Elizabeth and John fought until they no longer had any chance. They held onto each other's hands, staring into each other's eyes.

"I love you."

"I love you."

They leaned in for a kiss. But just then Kavanah walked in, completely ruining the dramatic soap-opera atmosphere.

"You killed my queen goddess hot babe!" he shouted angrily. "Now I have to start all over again." he turned to the wraith. "Wipe their minds and send them back to Atlantis." he ordered. He glared at them, and walked closer to Elizabeth. "You have one more chance to become my Queen before I kill you and your true love!"

John growled and tried to attack. "She is too good for you!" he shouted. "She's too good for me! Nobody in the universe is good enough for her!"

He was knocked on the head and was unconscious.


	23. Chapter 23

"It was the weirdest dream ever!" Elizabeth told Teyla. "Time was a short little green man, and some long-haired freak was ruling the wraith!"

"It indeed sounds strange." Teyla agreed. "You and Colonel Sheppard had been unconscious for several days before we found you."

"I'm glad you're back on your feet." Carson Beckett said. "Rodney's been driving us all crazy."

"Have not!" Rodney protested.

"I'm sure." John grinned at his comrades.

"And you don't remember anything?"

"No." John and Elizabeth said in unison. They shared a glance. Truthfully, they almost remembered something. Elizabeth unconsciously closed her hand, remembering the dream of holding John's hand.

"Well," Teyla said, "let us hope that nothing like this happens again."

They all agreed. The sun outside slowly faded until nothing but the stars were seen.

**Thank you all for sticking with me until the end, and I'm terribly sorry for any dips in your IQ that may have accompanied it!**

**MythQueen**


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